(film roll rattling)
(drum music)
(harp music)
- Oh, why hello there.
I'm Aphrodite, Goddess of Love.
Oh, you think I'm a little young to be a Goddess?
Well I'm not really that young.
You won't believe this but I'm almost 8,000 years old.
Or is it nine?
Well, what's the difference?
I always lie about my age anyway.
When I was really young I was the wildest.
I used to do all kinds of things
to make people romantic and sexy.
Why even today whenever a boy or a girl,
you know, you can be sure I'm there supervising or
maybe peeking a little.
And if they fight it, sometimes they don't realize that it's
bigger than both of them.
I do all kinds of cute little things like
maybe spiking a martini with a jig of love potion.
Or making a shoulder strap break just the right time.
Or maybe sprinkling whole forests with lust dust.
Which reminds me, once a long time ago,
maybe 300 years before the Trojan war even,
I really caused an interesting evening with a
sprinkling of lust dust.
There was this Greek hero with the big muscles and all,
his name was Theseus.
(waves splashing)
(exhales)
- It's great to be ashore again where a man
can get a little exercise.
(waves splashing)
- That's not Theseus, that's Nereus.
He likes to stay in condition.
(waves splashing)
- Yes, and I understand
these Cretan palm aids are excellent.
Oh hey, that sea air is really drying out my skin
and I'm almost out of body oil.
- That's not Theseus, that's Leander.
He's pretty and he knows it.
- Oh, land again, we've been at sea so long
every time I go over a bump in the road
I look for a rail to hang over.
(waves splashing)
- That's Theseus.
- Alright fellas, let's shape up
like a bunch of Greek heroes.
Confound it Nereus, put down that stupid rock.
I say put down that stupid rock.
(bang)
Ah!
(screaming)
And you, all the time with my oil.
(whistle and bang)
Him and his gall flam grease.
(harp music)
Alright you guys, let's straighten up
and look like a couple of Greek heroes.
That's better.
Now I suppose you're wondering what out next mission is.
Well, we're going to find a missing child.
The rightful heir to the throne of Crete.
First we're going to talk to her Uncle, Kind Minos of Crete.
Onto Minos' palace.
- As Theseus marches towards the palace of Minos
Zita and Kiva, two beautiful sirens,
women who lured sailors to the rocks, watch his approach.
- They're coming closer, where's Bonar been all day?
- At Thermopylae Downs.
- The horses again?
- Alright, let's not knock the nags.
Horse racing is a clean sport.
- I know.
You've never left the track
without being thoroughly cleaned.
- Come to think of it, the track is the only place
where the windows clean the people.
- Kiva, here they come.
- Ooh, yeah.
Some prospects, just when our pirating business
looked like it was on the rocks.
Now let me evaluate for a minute.
Two muscular guys and their jerk
against two broads and a--
- Coward?
- Uh, lucky thing for you that I happen to be
a gentlemen, a scholar and a coward.
Now quickly, let's put plan 3-A into effect.
And remember no getting cozy with the clients.
- Just about the same time Bonar the pirate
is preparing to receive Theseus and his party
King Minos is being informed of this Greek hero
and his mission.
Scylla, his wife, seeing his mood tries to cheer him up.
(upbeat music)
(hands smacking)
- You're crushing the pleats on my toga.
- You look bored, I'd like to do a little entertaining.
Let's invite the king and queen of Cronus for a feast.
- I'm in no mood to have your assist and her husband
clouding up the palace for and evening.
- After the banquet they gave us we should reciprocate.
- Reciprocate?
After that banquet we should retaliate.
(upbeat music)
- Let's invite the king and queen of Rhodes.
He's a handsome scoundrel.
- [Minos] But she's such an old bat.
- [Scylla] Oh, she isn't so old.
- Isn't so old?
She's so wrinkled that when she smiles
she looks like a venetian blind.
- Oh, you exaggerate.
- I heard she went to a plastic surgeon
to have her wrinkles tightened up and he over did it.
Now every time she raises her eyebrows
it pulls up her stockings.
(upbeat music)
- Darling, let's invite the king and queen of Troy.
- Oh, those two.
- She's pretty.
- And she's such a bore.
She's so used to getting her own way
she writes in her diary four weeks ahead.
And him, he's so henpecked each night the dog walks him.
(upbeat music)
- When will the new Captain of the Guard arrive?
- [Minos] Any hour now.
- Oh, whom will he be?
- Kalak of Macedonian.
- Oh, a Greek.
(kiss smack)
(upbeat music)
- One thing I'll never understand,
in the passed two years we've had
four Captain's of the Guard
all big strapping muscle men
at least 200 pounders,
after six months in our service
they each applied for retirement
a skinny 94 pound weakling.
I don't understand.
- There, this should make the new captain feel at home.
Do I look Grecian enough?
- You look Grecian enough to step right out
of your very own restaurant.
(upbeat music)
- Oh boy, look at that Queen of Crete.
(bang ang thunder roaring) - Ooh.
- That's Zeus, my father.
Father of all the Gods.
Mother watches him like a hawk.
But he's quite a guy.
He's got a lot of tricks that scoundrel.
Take that box for instance.
He's been caring it around for six months
now mother's getting a little taut about it.
- I'll just scream if I don't find out what's in that box.
Well I'm gonna walk right over there and ask him.
- Alright already stop the dancing in there here she comes.
(bang)
- Oh, watching that vulgar Queen of Crete again, ay?
- Vulgar?
I think she's very fashioning.
- Hm?
- Like you have to admit in her clothes
she always shows distinction.
- In her clothes she always shows distinctly.
Take that dress for instance.
Shows everything but good taste.
What's in the box?
- What's in the box?
Isn't that a reasonable question?
- Yeah it's a reasonable question
and it deserves a reasonable answer.
Too bad I can't find one.
- What's in the box?
Trouble's is in the box.
- Troubles?
- Troubles, big troubles of all kinda shapes and sizes.
- Where'd you find them?
- Down there among the mortals.
I felt sorry for the poor schnooks
so I ran around among them and
found as many troubles as I could lay my hands on
and I put them all in this box.
- Well now let's see, whatever's in this box--
- Troubles are in the box, troubles.
- Don't try to confuse me.
Alright, it's troubles.
Troubles of assorted shapes and sizes
and that you can get your hands on.
- Oh boy, you have an evil mind.
Up-ah!
Don't touch the lid, the troubles might escape
and infest Mt. Olympus.
Then I might have to go down again
and gather as many troubles as I could lay my hands on.
- If mother buys that she'd love professional wrestling.
- You know they tell me the Queen of Crete
is a terrible gossip.
Even from here you can see she's a real busy body.
- You know, my mother warned me.
She did everything she could to stop you from marrying me.
- You mean that old witch
tried to stop me from marrying you?
- She certainly did.
- Oh, how I've wronged that woman.
Now now, there's something interesting to see.
(upbeat violin music)
Pretty as a picture with a frame to match.
(upbeat violin music)
- All I can say to you
is watch yourself!
(upbeat music)
- Oh boy, a boy doing a man's job.
I think I'll just have to slip down there and
well, what am I gonna do with this confounded box?
I can't leave it laying around.
That woman'll open it just as sure as I'm
(laughing)
scheming lovely thoughts for that little girl.
Nah, I'll have to find a gullible schnook
someone I can trust who can guard it until I ask 'em for it.
Huh, that Queen of Crete,
she's got movement like a Tindrock McClock.
She alarms all the wives in the vicinity
and awakens their husbands.
Oh boy.
- But I can't seem to please you anymore.
- It's always the same old stuff.
Always the same old stuff.
(exhales)
Besides, my spies brought word that Theseus is approaching.
- So?
- So, he's gonna take in a mission
to find my late sister's child,
the rightful ruler of Crete.
- But your sister died while giving birth
in the wilds of far off Lobos.
Even if the child lives Theseus could never find her.
- But if he did you'd have to go back
to your old profession.
- The oldest profession.
- The oldest profession dear and I'd have to go back
to selling and I don't relish that idea.
- What can we do about it?
- Steer Theseus wrong, into the jaws of disaster.
- How can you steer him?
- By sending along Pandora, our servant.
- But how can a loli slave?
- How can a loli slave lead a Greek hero astray?
(clapping smacks)
See what I mean.
First, you get her one of your gowns.
One of those barbed wire dresses you wear.
- Barbed wire dress?
- You know, the kind that protects the property
without obstructing the view.
Now to make sure she carries out our orders.
Pandora, would you like to be free?
- Free?
Oh, I'd give anything.
- Anything?
She might just have to do that.
Pandora, I've been a good and kind master haven't I?
- Oh yes your highness.
- If you succeed in leading Theseus
away from the land of Lobos I offer you your freedom.
- You'll be free Pandora.
Free to marry or anything you like.
- I can't believe it.
- But you must carry out our plans.
First you must lead Theseus to Circee's island.
If he gets by her then you must lead him
into the land of the Amazons.
Do you understand?
- Perfectly your majesty.
Your orders will be carried out.
I do yearn for my freedom.
- The new Captain of the Guard is here.
- (Minos) Send him in.
So you're Kalak from Macedon.
You're to be my wife's personal body guard.
(calm music)
- And this body needs to be guarded closely.
Very closely.
Do you understand?
- I'll do my best your majesty.
- Pandora, show the Captain to his quarters.
- No need Pandora, I'll show the Captain his quarters.
I'll show the captain everything.
Everything.
- You know my dear, you won't believe this
but I used to be built like that Macedonian.
So were our last four Captain's of the Guard.
- While the Queen of Crete shows Kalak,
the new Captain of the Guard, a thing or two,
Bonar and his two beautiful sirens
are putting plan 3-A into effect.
- Alright, here they come, get ready for action.
- Wait, intelligence for once.
(bang)
Mm-hm, just as I thought, there's not report
of a bistol around here, must be an ambush.
- We best proceed with caution.
This is a territory dominated by the infamous pirate Bonar.
(rattling)
- The report on the scoundrel.
Mm-hm, Bonar, Cretan pirates.
In Athens he was charged with picking his way
through a crowd at the celebration of Diana.
- Well picking one's way through a crowd is no crime.
- But he picked his way through a pocket at a time.
And that's just one of the long list of crimes.
- It's rumored he's so crooked
that every time he counts his money
he stands in front of a mirror.
He doesn't trust himself out of his sight.
- He picked my pockets all he'd get would be practice.
- Alright, no snide remarks about back pay.
You two stay here while I go into the enemy's camp.
- Don't you think we should all go in?
- Who's the legendary Greek hero around here anyway?
- [Nereus And Lander] You sir.
(upbeat music)
- Ah yes sir-y you're just in time for the floor show.
And you're in luck, one table left in the blue room.
Put it there.
- Put what there?
- Well you know what you got, put it on the wood.
- But I just came in for some directions.
- Don't I know you from somewhere?
Were you here before?
- Oh yes I've been in Crete before
but for a good many years I've been abroad.
- Yeah you, for a good many years you've been abroad?
Well, all I can say is that surgeon
he did a good job on you.
What can I do for you sir or whatever?
- How far is it to the next town?
- 10 miles in that direction.
But there's no action there the action is all here.
- But I'm supposed to go--
- No no, those towns are dead.
Why, they're so small the city limit signs are back to back.
Why, after six o'clock they stand the sidewalks on end
and use 'em for tombstone.
- Well I guess I gotta go now.
- Ah-Ah-Ah, too bad the floor show is just beginning.
Yes indeed.
(drum music)
- Baby, how do I look?
- Like a million drachma's.
- And just as hard to make.
(rattling)
- That girl's got more talent than I thought she had.
Yes my dear, right.
Would you like a tongue sandwich?
- No I never eat anything that comes from an animal's mouth.
- You said you never eat anything
that comes from an animal's mouth?
- No.
- Well then how about a couple of eggs?
- Not today.
(drum music)
- You see anything else you like?
- Yeah.
- I mean anything on the plater.
- Well if she'd you know hold it steady
for a couple of seconds I could make up my mind.
- Ah.
- Perhaps before she came out front
she was back churning some butter
or grinding some coffee or shaking a martini or something.
- It's just her vibrant personality.
Yeah, but mister, buddy,
don't fool with her unless you mean business.
- Why not?
- Well she's like good paint, once you stir her up
she's hard to get off your hands.
(drum music)
Anything else you'd like?
(laughing)
- Yeah.
What's that?
- Ham.
- Is it fresh?
- Is it fresh? Why that ham was cured last week.
- Looks like it had a relapse.
- Yeah, well then how about this cheese
imported from Switzerland?
- That cheese is imported from Switzerland?
- Imported from Switzerland.
- Are you sure it wasn't deported.
(laughing)
- I think your proboscis is working overtime.
Yes.
I see that I can't interest you in anything to eat.
- Oh I don't, how are your prices?
- How hungry are you?
- I'm so hungry I could eat like a horse.
- Oh, to eat like a horse, 20 drachmas.
But if you wanna eat like a human, 200 drachmas.
- 200 hundred.
- AH ah ah, wait, wait, wait.
Don't be impetuous.
Why don't you try one of our 20 drachmas steaks
super special.
- 20 drachmas, now that's reasonable enough.
- How would you like it?
- Medium rare.
- Medium rare, one porter horse steak.
- Porter horse steak?
Whoa, scratch that.
Entree.
(horse yelping)
Look I'll just pass on the food.
What I need now is drink.
- Well we have everything.
- What is this, what is this?
I'll try one of these rainbow trout cocktails.
- One rainbow trout.
Wait 'til you taste this trout, it is the
(kiss smack)
most delicious ever.
Ah-ha.
(spring boinging)
- Fella, that was some drink.
Well, buddy I gotta get going.
I gotta go on a mission.
I gotta find the rightful heir to the crown of Crete.
Whomever she might be, whomever she'll be worth millions.
- Would you say that again?
- I'm gonna go find the rightful heir to the crown of Crete.
- It's time for us to go in now.
- Mine?
- Oh go right ahead, why in these parts
woman are a tenth of a drachma a dozen.
- A tenth of a drachma a dozen?
And I'll my life I've bee squandering money on jelly beans.
- Are you alright Theseus?
- May I help you gentlemen?
- Nereus, Lander, come join us.
(playful music)
- It takes a little time to get to the palace of Minos
from the robber's rust in.
And it takes a little time,
even for a fast workers like Scylla,
to break in the new Captain of the Guard to his duties.
At the moment Scylla is at the feet of her king
and Theseus and his party are at the door of the palace.
- Your Majesties, Theseus of Corinth.
(trumpet music)
- Ah, Theseus.
Theseus of Corinth,
to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?
- We have reason to believe in the existence of a child,
your long lost niece and we're on a mission.
To find the child.
- Oh, if you only could.
- You will give us aid?
- I intend to give you more than that.
I'll give you Pandora our most trusted servant.
(spring boining)
She will guide you to where my niece would be living.
- Then you know where she is.
Why would you try to find her before?
- Oh we have but it's a very dangerous journey.
Every man we've sent has either been
turned into pork sausages on Circee's island
or chopped into mincemeat in the land of the Amazons.
- Well, that doesn't bother me.
- I'm glad.
- Oh I'm glad you're glad.
- Oh.
- Does the child have any identifying marks on her?
- She has a birthmark in the shape of a crown,
as have all we royalty of Crete.
- Where might this mark be?
- Really?
- Oh.
- Yes, on the right hand side.
- Well ah, we're grateful for your assistant your Majesty.
- Remember, this is a dangerous journey.
First you must secure passage through Circee's island.
- Nothing taunt me.
(bangs)
Onto Circee's island.
(whistle)
- Oh.
I'm sorry, my sworn.
- Good journey my friend.
Now I'd like a last farewell
with my trusted servant Pandora.
A private farewell if you please.
Remember my instructions Pandora.
If you follow them you have freedom.
Do you hear?
Freedom.
- You needn't worry, I'll follow.
(suspicious music)
(laughing)
- After that deal my father knows
to whom he can entrust his box.
- You Theseus, I command you halt .
- Who are you?
- I'm an oracle.
- You're an oracle?
- Not an oracle, an oracle, a plain old everyday oracle.
I command you take this box and guard it
and its contents with your life.
- What's in the box?
- In the box is troubles.
Now I command you take the box.
- We can't take an old box, especially one with troubles.
We're on a mission.
- You heard me, I command you take the box.
(thunder roaring)
- Are you sure you're a plain ordinary everyday oracle?
- Just take the box.
(thunder roaring)
Now don't forget, don't open the box.
(thunder roaring)
Now be on your way.
(screaming)
(birds chirping)
(whistling)
- Are you sure you're a plain ordinary everyday oracle?
(thunder roaring)
Alright already, plain ordinary everyday oracle.
- Oh sometimes these mortals can be so exasperating.
But sometimes, now to take care of that little lady
in the forest of the Opals.
(upbeat music)
- Takes much longer to find me now.
Used to be you could catch me almost immediately.
- That's because, because you, you've grown up.
- Is growing up sad?
Why do you always look at me like that?
Am I funny looking?
- No, you're not funny looking.
- Did I say something to offend you?
- I, I better be going.
(upbeat music)
- Alright, I see you down there.
The only lecherous tree in the forest.
Get up here this instant.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Making a fool of yourself over that child.
Oh and get those stupid leaves off of you.
(thunder roaring)
- Theseus.
- Yes?
- Why have you dedicated yourself so unselfishly
to the task of searching for missing persons?
- Ever since I was a little boy I've been searching.
Yes, my parents and my twin brother and myself
were crossing a wilderness.
We camped and in the middle of the night
there was this frightful noise.
A pack of wolves had entered out tent
and taken my brother away.
Ever since that night I've been
hunting and searching and searching and hunting.
- And you found no trace of him?
- But I haven't given up hope.
As I've dedicated my life to people who have
loved ones among the missing.
- I understand.
Ah, don't you have a girl?
- What'd I do with a girl?
- Oh well I'm sure you could think of something.
I'll just bet you've had your share of women.
- Sure, women throw themselves at me.
That is they throw themselves at me
after they've run out of rocks.
- Oh nonsense, now you are a very attractive man.
Haven't you ever thought of, of marriage.
- Sure I've thought of marriage.
When I think about it it would scare me half to death.
- Oh but weddings are so beautiful.
- I hate weddings.
- You hate weddings?
- My personal experiences with weddings has been very bad.
After the last wedding
I got a black eye for kissing the bride.
- For kissing the bride, who hit you?
- Her husband.
- But it's customary to kiss the bride
after the wedding ceremony.
- But four years after?
- Oh now that couldn't have turned you against marriage.
- I've discovered early in life
that a heaving bosom is really a hope chest.
- Oh now that's very cynical.
What if all men felt like that?
After all it takes two to make a marriage.
- Yes it does, it takes two to make a marriage.
A single girl and an anxious mother.
- Oh, you sound bitter.
- Well, perhaps I am.
But, there was a girl once.
- Ah, I thought so.
- I met her on a black sea cruise boat.
That was the first time I saw her.
She had on a dress that fit her like a sun burn.
She looked so curvaceous, she looked so soft
that she made everyone else look hard.
Especially the men, yes the men looked the hardest.
- Well, what happened to her?
- Oh I went with her for a while.
I even asked her for her hand in marriage.
Oh, she asked me what my prospects were.
And I told her all about myself.
And I said I had expectations of coming into
a considerable fortune from my wealthy uncle Panus.
Then I didn't hear from her for about a month.
I was frank.
Then I finally got a letter, it said
"Dear Theseus, I find through circumstances
"that is necessary for us to discontinue our relationship.
"I hope you understand. Signed, your aunt."
- Oh, what a dirty trick.
Your comrades, are they too unattached?
- Nereus and Leander?
(laughing)
Nereus thinks that girls cut his wind
and Leander, Leander's so involved with himself
that he couldn't really be involved with a girl.
- Oh, he seemed so vain.
- Vain?
(laughing)
In his casinule back in Lemnos
he has a mirror on the bathroom ceiling
so he can watch himself gargle.
Well, it's been a long day.
You're a, you know you're a very sweet girl Pandora.
(dramatic music)
- Say daddy-o.
Like, what happened to you?
- My son the guard.
Your mother and I had a fight last night.
She threw my clothes out of the bedroom,
down the stairs, into the yard--
- Yeah yeah yeah, but, like how did you get ruffled?
- I was in them.
But don't worry, I got even.
This morning I beat her up.
- Whoa, like you hit mumsy?
- No big shot, no no.
I didn't hit her, I beat her up.
I got up at six and she got up at seven.
- Oh, so what's that dad,
some kind of a big it leave in deal?
- No, I was up a whole hour before her.
Now she's worried where I was for a whole hour,
that's how I got even.
Now, what are you doing down here?
- Mumsy sent me to keep an eye on you daddy-o.
- Oh-oh-oh, by my big shot son, huh?
And who's gonna keep an eye on you?
(thunder roaring)
- Oh pop, cool it with the sparks, huh?
Now she's hip to where both of us are.
- [Hera] Alright, I heard you.
What or whom are you up to?
Nevermind, both of you get up here this instant!
(water splashing)
- Oh look, look the island of Circee.
- Someone should advise that girl
regarding her personal day dreamers.
- Oh, that odor? It's from her pigs.
- Then someone should advise them.
- Look at that cloud hanging over it.
I've never seen a cloud like that anywhere else.
- There's not a cloud like that anywhere else.
This one's made entirely of vultures.
- Yeah, look at that sea.
- So valen and savage.
- Oh, look at it go up and down.
Up and down, up and ugh I can hardly contain myself.
- If you don't stop that I won't be able to contain myself.
- Here comes a boat, look at it toss.
- You want me or Leander to go in Theseus.
- No Nereus, this is dangerous.
It's my duty to go.
- Look at that boat, pitch and row.
Pitch and row.
- Oh Leander, please Leander.
- Oh Theseus, Theseus they say she turn men into swine.
Please be careful.
- Take these Theseus, they counteract
the effect of Circee's powers.
- Oh, superstitious poppy cot my friend.
But maybe you got something for seasickness?
- Hey, a boat just pulled into shore Theseus.
- Uh, oh look at that fairy men.
- And what a crocked body.
- They say he's mind's so twist
I'd have to screw his hat on.
- He's a monster alright.
- Well at least he can't be two-faced.
If he was he wouldn't be wearing the one he's got on now.
- Let us accompany you Theseus.
- Oh, out of the question.
(exhales)
Now for another short boat trip.
Now I know what they mean when they say
a boat trip brings out the best in one.
(adventurous music)
(water bubbling)
That black cloud, by Zeus it's dark.
(suspenseful music)
- What's the matter, tense?
Drink this, it'll sooth your nerves.
- Ah, I could turn myself into a bull again.
Nah, she's onto that one too.
- That Circee's at it again.
Wasn't her mother that witch that you used to--
- Ah ah ah ah, it was strictly a professional relationship.
We took turns performing feets of magic.
First I'd show her a trick or two and then--
- And then she'd show you a thing or two.
I'll never forget that chariot ride she took you on.
- Yeah.
Hey, while she was driving she turned into a
bouquet of flowers, into a kangaroo,
into a dragon--
- And then she turned into a roadside inn.
(water bubbling)
- Theseus.
Theseus.
(suspenseful music)
I say Theseus of Corinth.
- Tense?
(whistling)
- Where is Theseus?
(grunting)
- So Theseus and his friends
passed through the domain of Circee.
And several days later were on the borders
of the land of the Amazons.
Fierce some very unladylike girls.
With an unmistakable odor of a locker room about them.
King Minos got wind of the events on the isle of Circee.
The wind was in the right direction that day.
So he and Scylla hurried to the land of the Amazons.
He knew the Amazons would stop Theseus
but he wanted to make sure.
Scylla wanted to make anybody she could.
Now, in the land of the Amazons
there lived a wild man named Erg.
(drum music)
Erg had been brought up by the wolves
and he had all the instincts of his foster parents.
(screaming)
(playful music)
See what I mean, he drove them wild.
And that wasn't all, he constantly harassed them.
The circles under their eyes became larger
because they couldn't take their beauty naps.
And it was getting so they were afraid to lie down anywhere.
(suspenseful music)
(tapping)
(howling)
It wasn't that they didn't try to catch him.
Sometimes they even had him cornered.
But he fought back savagely like a wolf.
(howling)
Then he'd return to his layer
where he'd savor the results of his hunting and eat.
(crunching)
If the Amazons hated and distrusted men
Erg was certainly the main reason.
(frogs croaking)
(playful music)
And since men were banned from the country of the Amazons
and since Scylla had no intention
of getting involved with a bunch of women,
King Minos had to make a few adjustments.
And they were mainly in his clothing.
- This is non-sensical.
Why don't you just go in and warn them about Theseus.
- Women have never liked me you know very well
that as soon as I walk into a place
they show their claws and arch their back.
- Perhaps they wouldn't go that if you didn't
switch your tail so violently.
- Here, how do I look?
- Ravishing.
(drum music)
- Yoo-Hoo.
Captain, my body needs guarding.
Uh there's something moving among the rafts.
In the forest over there.
An animal, a very large animal.
I'd feel safer if you were a little closer.
Like, so close that if someone shot an arrow
or anything you'd be here to guard the body.
Completely.
That's better.
Say, are you loosing weight?
You look a little pinked.
(silly music)
- Well, here we are in the border.
Tonight I'll go in alone.
- Alone?
- Why of course.
I always go in alone.
- Oh you've had such a wonderful life
so full of excitement and adventure.
Is it really true what they say
about the land of the Cyclops?
Is everything really as big as they say?
- Immense.
Why the cows there are so tall
they need Swiss bell ringers to milk them.
And you never saw a land so green.
Considering they don't have any rain, just dew.
One morning a man stepped off his porch
and that afternoon they were dragging the dew for his body.
(silly music)
- I can't help think about your twin brother.
How would you recognize him if you ever found him?
- Well, I wouldn't know him unless he had a pin like this.
He had it on when he disappeared.
It was holding up his diapers.
(growling)
A tiger.
I'll take care of him.
(tiger growling)
- Oh.
- He got away.
- When the beast was in the air leaping at you
you had a clear shot of his belly with your sword.
- When he was in the air
I didn't like the expression on his face for a rug.
(silly music)
(drum music)
(adventurous music)
(mumbling)
- Would you please direct me to your leader?
- I am the leader.
What are you doing in the land of the Amazons?
Strange woman.
And I do mean strange.
- I've come to warn you about an invasion.
- An invasion?
- There's a strong force of men poised on your borders.
Under the leadership of Theseus.
Theseus, a renowned warrior of the Greeks.
- Never heard of him.
But we'll stop him if that's what you're worried about.
- I do then and a fond farewell.
- Where do you think you're going?
(screaming)
Once a woman enters our camp there's no leaving.
The only way you get out of here
is to lose an individual combat to a man
then you're banished.
So sit down and relax.
- Oh, what a lovely stone.
- The symbol of authority among the Amazons.
Traditionally the queen always wears it.
- Aren't you going to warn them about the enemy?
- There's time.
Besides, I'd like to chat for a while.
It's not often I have an opportunity
to talk to someone different.
And sister you are different.
Sometimes I get so bored with this job.
- Alright, but they, they might be almost upon us.
That Theseus, the renowned Greek warrior,
is a very sneaky one.
- Oh, alright.
(dong)
This, this newly adopted sister has brought news
of an invasion of men.
- Men!
Alright girls, are we gonna make mince meat out of 'em?
- [Girls] Yeah! Yeah!
- Are we gonna let 'em take over our country?
- [Girls] No!
- Don't forget, men are coming.
Alright, get your weapons ready.
- No no no.
Remember, you're Amazons.
(drum music)
(bang)
(frogs croaking)
(drum music)
- [Girls] Come on let's go!
(screaming)
- This is no grape crush, this is war!
(dong)
(drum music)
(dong)
- There, how'd you like that?
(dong)
- I said, how'd you like that?
- It was lovely but so strenuous.
It was nice while it was going on
but now that it's over everybody's a frightful mess.
(drum rolling)
- Where do you think you're going?
Come back here!
(upbeat music)
- The woman, she's gone, after her.
- [Girls] Come on, let's go!
(screaming)
- [Woman] Now we have fight.
- That should make you happy.
- You call yourself our leader.
The girls are getting soft and lazy.
We should always be at war.
The girls would be happy, their minds would be occupied.
- Perhaps they would be happy if their minds were occupied.
But I suspect they'd be even happier
if there was someone around
to keep their bodies a little busier.
- I'll go in and recon order.
I'll find out where their pickets are
and then tomorrow night we'll slip in through.
(frogs croaking)
- Go away sister, can't you see I'm busy?
- Break it up, it's me.
- We were just practicing a new thing in
artificial respiration.
Mouth to mouth breathing.
- What was wrong with the old fashioned method?
- Oh, that was very good too but with this one--
- You can explain the innovations
in life saving to me later.
We can go back to Crete now.
- Have you warned the Amazons?
- Oh yes, they are a tweety bunch.
They were in a frenzy when I left.
They'll put an end to Theseus' search alright.
You know, the more I look at him
the more anemic he seems to get.
(calm music)
(frog croaking and drum music)
(eerie enchanting music)
(spring boings)
- Oh, he's been captured by now.
- Captured, who?
- Theseus.
- How do you know?
(whistling)
- Hey pop.
Hey, like, what are you doing sacking out here, huh?
- Your mother and I had words last night.
You know son, one thing I'll never understand.
Why is it that whenever your mother and I have words
I never get to use mine?
(laughing)
What are you laughing at?
- Oh the way those crazy Amazon chicks
have old Theseus tied up.
Yes, like they're keeping him very cool.
- Only one man approaches.
- I'll take a patrol and we'll take him apart.
- Only one man, I'll take min on an individual combat.
- Individual combat?
You'll be banished if you lose.
- I'm not worried about that.
Everybody behind the rocks.
And remember, whatever happens don't interfere.
(trumpet music)
(upbeat music)
(clicks and clacks)
- You're wonderful.
I can swim 10 miles, throw the javelin, run the marathon,
I can kill a deer at 15 hundred yards with one arrow.
Can you cook?
(bang)
You've got me.
- I only want Theseus of Corinth.
(trumpet music)
- Wait, he'll be killed if I don't defeat him.
(hypnotizing music)
(bang)
(spring boings)
(frogs croaking)
- Let's get outta here.
- I want to pass through your land.
I hope my comrades and I will not have to
fight our way through.
- It's alright with me but you better get through
before that one thaws out.
(bell rattling)
- Well, we're finally out of the land of the Amazons.
But where are we?
You told us that you knew where the long lost
princess of Crete was.
- I know, I've been telling you lots of things.
But there's one thing I didn't tell you.
- What's that?
- Well, I'm a terrible liar.
I guess you'll never wanna see me again.
Maybe I should just go back to Crete.
- Well, you could stay with us.
But just don't say anything.
We better move out.
I don't know where we're moving out to but
we better move out.
(calm music)
(frog croaking)
This looks as good a place as any, yeah?
We'll make camp here tonight.
- We're going to wander around forests forever
looking for a ghost?
- She could be on the other side of the world.
- No she couldn't, remember the world is still flat.
- I'm going for a walk through the forest.
(upbeat music)
- There are people in the forest.
- People?
- Yes I saw them.
I saw a very handsome muse.
He didn't see me.
(drum music)
- What are you doing here?
- I was banished for losing to you.
I'd like that return match now.
- I'll give you one, but not right now.
I'm not in the mood.
(bang)
(drums rattling)
(frog croaking)
- I think I'll take a stroll too.
- Hey fella, hey oracle!
I wanna give you back your box!
- Well I think I finally got rid of that pest.
(laughing)
What do we have here?
(calm music)
- Glad I finally caught up with you.
I wanna return your box.
Hey, I wanna return your box.
Aren't you the everyday ordinary oracle?
- Yes, I'm the everyday ordinary oracle.
- Well, I wanna return your box.
- Go away, go away, can't you see I'm operating.
- Well I don't know if you're operating or not
but you're certainly making a very
thorough examination of someone.
You're a doctor too eh?
Beside being an everyday ordinary oracle.
- No, I'm not a doctor.
- Aha, practicing without a license, huh?
- I'm not practicing with or without a license.
In fact I'm very much out of practice.
Now be a good boy and run along, huh?
(thunder roaring)
Now take your box and get outta here until I ask you for it.
- Are you sure you're an everyday ordinary household oracle?
(thunder roaring)
- Now this is where I decide to step in.
Things are a little too quite and
no one is like swinging.
So I think I'll stir up a little action.
I'll take a couple of hands full of lust dust
and sprinkle them all over.
(harp music)
Now the place will jump.
(soft music)
(harp music)
(upbeat music)
(drum music)
(harp music)
(bang)
- I'd like that return match now.
(harp music)
(boing)
- Ready?
- Not quite.
(bang)
(boing)
(drum music)
(upbeat music)
(drum music)
(upbeat music)
- Ha ha ha, now I've gotcha.
You know there's something about that girl I like,
I just can't put my fingers on it.
(drum music)
- We'll make it three falls out of four.
(frog croaking)
(upbeat music)
- My God, the crown J birthmark.
You're a queen.
You're a queen, you're a queen!
- Sir, I'm just holding this for a lady.
(whistling)
(silly music)
(drum music)
- We can open a gym in Athens if you'd like?
- Pandora, we're gonna take this old box
(bang)
back to Corinth and I'm gonna build a palace around it
for you.
- You mean I'm rich?
- You're a queen, you're the rightful ruler of Crete.
- I am?
- And you know something else?
You're a very beautiful girl.
- I am?
- Meanwhile Kresha, the new queen of the Amazons
tightens her net about Erg.
(drum music)
- We've got him completely surrounded.
I'll go in and take him.
(suspenseful music)
(hypnotizing music)
(boing)
- Where are you going?
- To be queen.
Oh, Ganymede I'm going to be rich.
I'm going to have furs and jewels.
I'm even going to wear clothes.
Oh Ganymede I'm going to have everything.
- Everything?
Everything except happiness Thetra.
You belong here in the forest, I can't let you go.
- But I wan to go Ganymede, I want to go.
(suspenseful music)
- Hey.
(kiss smack)
- I really couldn't go with you Leander.
Not even to be queen, I do belong here in the forest.
(soft music)
- So you see, I really had a ball that night.
The next day Theseus and his party
stared through the land of the Amazons expecting trouble.
But they found not the slightest opposition.
Since there was now a new king of the Amazons
who turned out to be none other than Theseus'
lost brother Erg.
(drum music)
- Brother, I'm building a palace in Corinth,
where we were born, you can have anything you want.
Even your own bone.
Come with me brother, come with me.
(growling and howling)
- Freely translated from wolf that means
"Brother, you must be kidding."
(flute music)
- So they passed through the land of the Amazons.
King Minos was so pleased that he didn't have to
vacate the palace at Nosis
that he threw a tremendous wedding party
for Theseus and Pandora.
With my father presiding and my mother watching
my father like a hawk.
Directly after Theseus and Pandora
went straight to the new palace in Iona.
- Oh Theseus, it's beautiful.
Ah, Theseus, what's in the box?
- Pandora, you must never touch that box.
- Well I was just wondering, I mean,
what could possible in a rotten old box like that.
- Nevermind, you remember what the oracle said.
- Oh now, you still don't believe in oracles do you?
- Pandora, just forget the box.
I think I'm going to go and take a bath.
(upbeat music)
- Old box, I don't see what one little peek will hurt.
(clack)
(thunder roaring)
- [Zeus] Somebody opened the rotten box.
(suspenseful music)
- Yaw.
- Ah.
(upbeat music)
(bangs and shattering)
(upbeat violin music)
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
(shattering)
(suspenseful music)
(shattering and rattling)
- Momma!
- Baby, where in Hades did you get that one?
- Well, he's my husband Momma.
- Oh my poor baby.
- Well, he built me this palace.
(shattering)
- Well, don't worry, I'll make it over.
Men never know what they're doing when they build.
Takes the woman's touch, I always say.
I'll move into the guest room and
take over supervising the servants.
And him.
Be too much for you baby, much too much.
- Now, let's start from the beginning.
First that, that one tralup.
The one with the scarf.
It was of the same fabric that you came home with
on your thunder bolt after a terror around
the outskirts of Athens
or was it the underskirts or wherever you were.
And that second one, the one with the perfume
that you came reeking home of.
- Oh, and further more, gotta show 'em who's boss
right away first thing nothing worse than indecision.
- Well, I tried.
But my best efforts were spoiled by a box full
of mother's in law.
I'm sure somewhere this story must have a moral.
But I'm sure that you'd like it better if it had an
immoral.
Wouldn't you?
Oh well.
(thud)
(upbeat music)